Have you ever found yourself questioning whether you're good enough? Maybe you replay conversations in your head, compare yourself to other women, or feel like no matter how much you do, it's never enough. Maybe that voice of inadequacy keeps you from putting yourself out there, pursuing something God has placed on your heart, or even feeling comfortable around other people.
If that's you, I want you to stay with me for a minute. Because I've spent a lot of my own life struggling with this, and I know how much it can affect. In fact, it's what inspired this little series we've been doing on inadequacy. This isn't just something I've observed in other women. It's something I've had to work through myself.
For a long time, I felt like I was good at a lot of things, but not particularly good at anything. I felt out of place in so many situations, and I constantly questioned whether I had what it took. And here's what I've learned: that voice doesn't just stay in your head. It starts influencing your relationships, your decisions, your reactions, and the way you see yourself.
But what do we actually do about it? How do we stop giving that voice so much power? I want to walk you through three things that can help you begin to overcome inadequacy and start seeing yourself the way God sees you.
The Four Steps: A Tool to Interrupt Inadequacy in Real Time
If you've been around Made Whole for a while, you've probably heard me talk about the four steps. And honestly, this is where I would start with almost anything you're struggling with. It's based on Restoration Theory, a framework developed by Dr. Terry Hargrave that brings together Biblical wisdom and neuropsychology. It's the most practical framework I've ever come across for understanding why we keep getting stuck in the same patterns.
The idea is that we all have what we call a pain cycle. This is made up of our core wounds, the feelings that seem to follow us throughout our lives, and the coping patterns we develop to deal with those feelings. For example, some of my core wounds are feeling alone, inadequate, and out of control. When those feelings get triggered, I tend to move into coping patterns like anger, control, or anxiety.
And here's where things get interesting. We spend so much time trying to stop our coping behaviors without ever understanding what's driving them in the first place. We tell ourselves to stop getting angry, stop overthinking, stop scrolling, or stop reacting. But if we don't understand the pain underneath those behaviors, we keep ending up in the same place.
That's why I love the four steps. They help us recognize what's happening and choose a different response. Here's how it works.
Say what you feel. In this case, it might be, "I feel inadequate." Maybe your version sounds more like, "I'm not good enough," "I feel like a failure," or "I'm not enough." Whatever it sounds like for you, say it out loud.
Say what you would normally do. Do you get angry? Withdraw? Start scrolling or spiraling in your thoughts? For this example, let's say your normal response is anger. You would say, "I feel inadequate, and I would normally get angry."
Say the truth. This is probably the hardest one, not because the truth is complicated, but because we've spent so much time believing the opposite. The truth might be, "I am more than enough." Maybe your phrase is, "I am worthy," or "God created me on purpose, and He doesn't make mistakes." The important thing is that the truth directly counters the wound you're experiencing. I also love adding Scripture here because we're not just coming up with something positive to tell ourselves. We're reminding ourselves of what God says is true.
Say what you will do instead. If you really believed that you were more than enough, what would you do differently? Let's say you're parenting and your child does something that frustrates you. Instead of reacting in anger because you feel like you're failing, maybe your new action is to communicate peacefully. That doesn't mean you ignore what happened or avoid addressing their behavior. It means you can be direct, set a boundary, and address the situation without losing your cool.
When you put all four steps together, it sounds like this: "I feel inadequate. I would normally get angry. But the truth is, I am more than enough. So instead of getting angry, I'm going to communicate peacefully."
And then you actually do it. That's the part that matters. We're not just thinking about a different response. We're practicing a different response. Over time, as you repeat this process, you're strengthening a new neural pathway rooted in God's truth rather than the lies you've believed for years. It's simple, but it takes practice. And it's one of the tools I come back to again and again because it can be applied to so many different situations.
Why Other People's Behavior Isn't Proof That You're Inadequate
The next thing I want you to understand is that it's not about you. And I know that can be hard to believe, especially if you've spent a lot of your life internalizing what other people say and do.
Have you ever had someone treat you poorly, leave you out, betray you, or speak something hurtful over you, and immediately started wondering what was wrong with you? Maybe you thought, "They must not like me because I'm not interesting enough," or "If I were a better friend, this wouldn't have happened." We take what someone else does and turn it into evidence that something is wrong with us.
But here's the reality. Every single person has a pain cycle. And when people act out in hurtful ways, they're often responding from their own pain. They have their own core wounds and coping patterns that influence how they treat other people. Their behavior may have very little to do with you and much more to do with what they're carrying.
That doesn't make their behavior okay. But it does help us understand what's happening. When someone betrays you or makes you feel small, it isn't proof that you're inadequate. It may be evidence of something they're struggling with, something rooted in their own wounds.
And I think this can be so freeing because we stop taking every painful interaction and turning it into a label over our lives. We can begin to see people through a different lens.
Now, I want to be clear about something. Recognizing someone else's pain doesn't mean you excuse their behavior or allow them to keep hurting you. We can have empathy for someone and still have boundaries. We can forgive someone and still recognize that certain boundaries need to be in place. Those things aren't opposites. And remember, you have a pain cycle too. You may have things you need to own, apologize for, or change. You're responsible for your actions, and they're responsible for theirs.
So the next time someone does something that makes you question your worth, pause before you make it about you. Ask yourself whether you're taking something they did and turning it into a statement about who you are. Their actions do not get to determine your identity.
You Don't Have to Discover Your Worth. God Has Already Established It.
At its core, inadequacy is an identity wound. So if we're going to stop living under the influence of that voice, we need to get really solid in our identity.
I think this is where we can get a little off track. The world tells us that we need to go out and discover ourselves. We need to figure out who we are, find our gifts, uncover our purpose, and determine what makes us special. And I do think there's value in understanding how God wired you. Learning about your gifts, how you think, and the way you operate can be incredibly freeing.
For example, I spent a lot of my life feeling like I wasn't particularly good at anything. I could do a little bit of a lot of things, but I didn't feel like I excelled at anything specific. Over time, I started understanding that my gifts were different. I hadn't fully discovered how God had wired me or what He was calling me to do. And that changed the way I saw myself.
But here's what I really want you to understand: your identity isn't dependent on your gifts. Even if you never accomplish anything impressive, even if you don't have some extraordinary talent, your worth has already been established.
You were created on purpose by a good God. He designed you intentionally. And if a good God created you, don't you think we can trust that He did good when He made you?
I love the phrase, "You know who you are because you know whose you are." That's it. First and foremost, you are a daughter of the High King. That is your identity. It isn't something you have to earn, prove, or discover through the approval of other people. God paid a high price to have you be His.
I know sometimes we hear these things so often that they can start to feel a little cheesy. But that doesn't make them any less true. Think about how often you look at yourself through the lens of what you did wrong, where you don't fit in, what you aren't good at, or where you feel like you're failing. Now imagine beginning to see yourself through the lens of who God says you are instead.
That's the shift we're after. You don't have to spend your life trying to prove that you're enough. You can start living from the truth that God already says you are.
Start Seeing Yourself the Way God Sees You
I want to leave you with three things to think about this week. First, practice your four steps the next time you feel inadequate. Second, start recognizing when you're internalizing someone else's behavior and making it about your worth. And third, get solid in your identity. Remind yourself who you are and, more importantly, whose you are.
I also want to give you one more little exercise. Take a minute, get still, and ask God this question: "God, how do You see me?" Don't rush past it. Just sit with the question and pay attention to what comes to mind. If something comes up that you don't understand, ask Him what it means.
I want you to begin seeing yourself through His eyes instead of through the distorted lens of inadequacy. Because that voice you've listened to for so long doesn't get to define you. God gets to define you.
And friend, I don't want you spending another decade believing something about yourself that was never true in the first place. There's more available to you than living under that voice. You don't have to keep questioning yourself and wondering if you're enough. You can learn a new way to see yourself, respond to your feelings, and walk through life.
If something in this resonated, you don't have to stop here.
If you're not sure what's actually keeping you stuck, the free quiz is a good place to start. It takes just a few minutes and will point you toward exactly where to begin.
If you're ready to go further, the Unstuck Workshop walks you through the pain cycle, the peace cycle, and the four steps in a few hours — and it will change the way you see yourself.
Either way, you don't have to keep figuring this out alone. Made Whole is here, and your next step is closer than you think.
