Have you ever found yourself doing the exact thing you promised yourself you wouldn't do again? You snap at someone you love, get angry over something small, or try to control a situation because you feel like everything is falling apart. And afterward, you feel terrible. You promise yourself next time will be different, but somehow, you end up right back in the same place.
If you've ever wondered why you keep repeating the same patterns, even when you're genuinely trying to change, I want you to consider something. What if the problem isn't actually your behavior? What if there's something underneath it that you've never taken the time to understand?
Where Our Patterns Begin
I want to take you back to Genesis because I think this is where we can start to understand what's happening.
When God created Adam and Eve, they were perfectly loved and perfectly safe. They had everything they needed and no reason to question who they were or whether they could trust God. Then the serpent entered the picture.
In Genesis 3, the serpent asks Eve, "Did God actually say that?" He's introducing the idea that God might not be trustworthy. Then he tells her that if she eats the fruit, she'll become like God, suggesting that who she is right now isn't enough.
Do you see what's happening? Two foundational beliefs are being challenged: Am I enough? Can I trust?
These are questions that show up in so many of our struggles today. We question our identity, our worth, and whether we're safe. When Adam and Eve chose to believe those lies, their actions followed. They took the fruit.
This is where I want you to see the connection between what we believe and how we behave.
Understanding Your Pain Cycle
Having a thought or feeling isn't automatically a sin. Feeling inadequate, insecure, or afraid isn't something you need to condemn yourself for. But what we choose to do with those feelings matters. Adam and Eve had a choice about whether they would believe God or the serpent, and they chose to act on the lie.
This is where a framework developed by Dr. Terry Hargrave, called Restoration Theory, becomes so helpful. It helps us understand what we call the pain cycle: the connection between our core wounds, the beliefs attached to those wounds, and the coping behaviors we use to try to feel better.
I'll give you an example from my own life. One of my core wounds is inadequacy. When I start feeling like I'm not enough or I'm not doing something right, I look for ways to make that feeling go away. Sometimes that looks like control or anger. Other times, it's people pleasing because I want others to like me.
Different behaviors, but the same underlying belief.
Think about how this plays out in a marriage. Let's say I feel inadequate, so I get angry and yell at my husband. He responds by withdrawing, and now I feel even more inadequate because he's pulling away. So I react again, and the cycle continues.
My original belief is being reinforced by the very behavior I used to try to make myself feel better.
Why Changing Your Behavior Isn't Enough
Let's say you're a parent who keeps getting angry with your kids. You hate that you're yelling, so you decide to stop having so many expectations and just let things go.
But what if underneath the anger is a belief that you're inadequate? That you're failing as a parent or that you don't know what you're doing?
If that's the root, removing your expectations isn't going to fix the problem. You might stop yelling, but now you're people pleasing your children. The behavior changes, but the root is still there.
What actually needs to change is the belief underneath the behavior. Instead of believing you're inadequate, you need to begin believing the truth: God has chosen you for this role. You don't have to be a perfect parent to be a good parent. You can make mistakes, learn, grow, and uphold boundaries without believing that every difficult moment means you're failing.
First Samuel 16:7 reminds us that man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. God is interested in what's happening underneath the surface, not just what we're doing.
How to Begin Breaking the Cycle
The first step is learning to recognize what's happening inside you before you automatically respond. The next time you feel yourself getting angry, shutting down, or trying to control something, pause and ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What am I believing about myself or this situation?
What am I normally tempted to do when I feel this way?
What is actually true about who God says I am?
This is the beginning of moving out of your pain cycle and into what Restoration Theory calls the peace cycle. Instead of responding out of the lies we've believed, we begin identifying the truth and choosing new responses.
It's not about pretending you don't have hard feelings. It's about learning that those feelings don't have to dictate your actions.
You Don't Have to Stay Stuck Here
One of the things I find so encouraging when I look back at Adam and Eve's story is that inadequacy, insecurity, and the struggle to trust God aren't new problems. We've been dealing with these things since the very beginning.
Sometimes, remembering that takes away some of the power those lies have over me. Just because I feel inadequate doesn't mean inadequacy is who I am.
Maybe you've spent years believing you're not good enough or wondering why you keep ending up in the same place. I want you to know there is a reason these patterns keep happening, and there is a path forward.
You don't have to just try harder. You can begin understanding the root, learning the truth, and choosing a different way to live.
If something in this resonated, you don't have to stop here.
If you're not sure what's actually keeping you stuck, the free quiz is a good place to start. It takes just a few minutes and will point you toward exactly where to begin.
If you're ready to go further, the Unstuck Workshop walks you through the pain cycle, the peace cycle, and the four steps in a few hours — and it will change the way you see yourself.
Either way, you don't have to keep figuring this out alone. Made Whole is here, and your next step is closer than you think.
